CONSCIOUS LISTENING
Most of us have a natural desire to help others. Seeing someone in distress makes us feel uncomfortable. This triggers an innate desire to help another. Our inner savior spurs us to action:
We make assumptions and offer solutions to the other person’s problems:
- Have you considered doing …?
- How about I do … for you?
We show “understanding” by sharing our own similar experiences:
- I know how you feel.
- I, too, had to face something similar not too long ago.
We add our own “wise” perspective on the situation:
- He may have really tried his best.
- I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm.
Sometimes our good intentions to improve a situation can lead to unexpected consequences.
Our desire to make things better implies that we must “get over” unpleasant emotions and that some thoughts and feelings are unacceptable.
Our desire to be helpful and make “helpful” suggestions deprives the other person of the opportunity to make sense of the situation on their own.
Our clever thoughts and ideas can make the other person doubt their own perspective, feeling that they “should” see things differently.
Our “shared” experience shifts the focus of the conversation to ourselves instead of simply letting the other person tell their story.
But what happens if we resist the temptation to save?
If we are willing to just sit by the person who is feeling uncomfortable instead of trying to rectify the situation, we are thereby letting them know that it is okay to feel abnormal.
If we believe that people are capable of thinking for themselves, we empower them to find their own solutions to their problems.
This is called “conscious listening.
You give up the urge to correct, analyze, change or condemn.
Instead, you simply show genuine interest and curiosity as the other person talks about their thoughts and feelings.
You give the person the opportunity to tell their story in their own way. This can be the greatest gift on your part.
Conscious listening is also a gift you can give yourself. Listen with curiosity and acceptance to the full range of your thoughts and feelings, showing care and consideration for yourself.
