Control of feelings and rationalization

Without a doubt, we are terribly unhappy if we are perfectly reasonable.
Donald Winnicott

Narcissists are often amazingly intelligent people. They are a pleasure to talk to. They are not fed with bread — give them to argue and discuss. They are ready to explain everything, to understand and put into atoms. Actually, they do not come to therapy to heal and feel something.
Their goal is very practical: to learn how everything works, to internalize the scheme and prevent future consequences. To take control of things with the mind.

One of my clients said to me after several years of therapy, “I used to be so well organized inside! Instead of feelings, I understood everything. And I could control feelings and experiences — I knew how to calm them down. And now?! What have you done to me?”

Narcissists always have a problem with feelings. From the previous section, it’s probably already clear why. If narcissists in the situations they had to endure had left all sensitivity in their psyche, the outcome would have been deplorable. Yes, they had to sacrifice a number of feelings, and sometimes most of them, in order to keep at least reason. What are situations where it wasn’t safe for a child to be small and experience all the feelings inherent in children. Of course, it’s more important for him to “turn them off” so they don’t get in the way of him “being grown up and strong”.

The narcissist detaches feelings first for self-preservation. And then this anesthesia takes effect in all areas of life.

In counseling, people most often describe this state as “frozen” or “stiff-necked.” It must be said that up to a certain point, the loss of feeling is not a problem for narcissists. On the contrary, they are most often proud of their rationality and ability to keep themselves in control. To sensitive people they feel contempt, and hints of their emotionality are eradicated.

Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.

And she was very proud of her powerful intellect. Narcissotchka loved to talk about theories, asking everyone for logical explanations, conclusions and deep meanings. And yet she was above all your emotional outbursts.

She truly believed that everything in the world can be explained and understood. And if that’s the case, there’s no time to waste on feelings.

That’s how she lived her life. Until one day it turned out that in something very important Narcissotchka remained very stupid.

Once they had silenced their feelings, and with them silenced all their sincere wants, needs, and even thoughts. So it is not surprising that closer to mid-life this adaptive strategy, although it helps the narcissist feel more or less fulfilled, brings more and more dissatisfaction. He begins to feel that his life is “running in a vicious circle.” Or describes the feeling that “life never really begins.” It is actually an agonizing experience to stand on the sidelines of life, even though you are quite successful. As the years go by, this feeling of being out of reach of certain levels of experience that other people around you have, grows. And the narcissist begins to feel the discomfort of detaching feelings and realizes the consequences of losing them.

The buildup of intelligence and rationality may have saved the narcissist from unbearable experiences in childhood and adolescence. But in adulthood, it has narrowed his life to endless rationalizations that do not nourish the soul in any way. It is impossible to truly meet people on a level of intelligence and logic. And as much as the narcissist would like to reduce everything to such an interaction that provides control and non-involvement, he succeeds with few people.

And if he does, it’s not for long.

And if for a long time — it is not about life …

Narcissus dries up his river of feelings for fear of being flooded and consumed by the love that could not be expressed for his mother. He might have thawed out. But since no one in the world is as safe and giving of gratuitous love as a non-existent perfect mother, all is corrupt and longing. Nor is it worth starting…

Exercise

I think this is the simplest and most enjoyable exercise I will suggest you do as part of this book. Pick a time and watch the cartoon “The Puzzle”. If you have already seen it, revisit it again through the lens of what you have already read. Once again, pay attention to what we need emotions and feelings for, for what reason they disappear and at the expense of which they return back to our psyche.

Enjoy the review!

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”