I’ve written before that a narcissist can devalue not only specific people, but relationships themselves. And behind this is such a narcissistic way of defense as devaluing the need itself. Actually, at the heart of the narcissistic organization of the psyche is this. “If I can’t get my mother’s love, then I will become superior to that need. I will cease to want her love and will destroy my love for her.” The narcissistic principle is to become invulnerable to one’s desire so that no one can use and control that desire. The desire itself must be detached from the object of love, affection and pleasure. And to take everything into one’s own hands…
“I didn’t really want to.” “It doesn’t hurt me.” “I don’t care.” These are narcissistic formulas. On the one hand, providing omnipotent control, and on the other, invulnerability and anesthesia. And in general, there is no point in “pulling” the narcissist out of these defenses. After all, each of us has a right to them and can hold on to them to the last. For it is only the defenses that sometimes serve as a pillar of our normality and ward off the pain that would drive us into psychosis. Literally.
Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist, and she wanted very much to be chosen by those she liked. But she was even more afraid of rejection.
So Little Narcissist pretended that she “didn’t really want a relationship”. Just in case.
The child, once faced with his mother’s alienation, her absence, frustration on her part (and much more), experiences the loss, driving all libido inside himself. All attraction is left to himself, and the outside world is shown a big fig. “Oh, that I would do it again!… Never again!” And it grows with roots, branches and leaves inside. And even its flowers bloom only for itself ….
The alienation from people in this case is enormous. Sometimes taken for granted.
Because the narcissist doesn’t know that anyone could care or be interested in his drives, desires and thoughts.
It’s important for the deficit narcissist to see that:
- the people around him may not clap endlessly at how wonderful and wonderful he is. But they don’t think he’s inferior or inferior either;
- they usually don’t make as many impossible demands on him to live up to a grandiose ideal as he does on himself. Which means that potentially he turns out to be quite good and sufficient for a relationship;
- if he focused on making concrete investments in the relationship and taking very real steps towards others, instead of suffering endlessly about being so insignificant and worthless, he would have a huge amount of chances. As many as all normal people have in relationships with each other.
Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
I look forward to your support on the link. This way I can write more often and more frequently, and my book will be published sooner. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/