In one version or another, I have mentioned many times that a narcissist is a person with an inability to love. The deeper the narcissistic pathology, the worse things are with this ability. Individuals with a severe disorder in this area appear to be completely devoid of attachment at a deep level. If we are talking about the level of narcissistic neurosis, then, of course, in the long run we can experience love. But for this to happen, the river of our attractions to people must overcome many obstacles from the inside out.
Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.
And more than anything, she was afraid of betrayal. And since betrayal was considered literally everything that she did not like, not to betray her no one in the world could not succeed. No matter how many people tried to do only what Narcissus wanted, it turned out that there were only traitors around.
And Narcissotchka could not compromise her principles. So she lived like that. Very principled.
And very lonely.
This is fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
To publish and finish the book I need your support. I’ll be glad to have your help. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/
We can say that being narcissists we come out of our childhood with the “wound” of love. We stopped waiting for love so that we would not feel the unbearable pain of not being able to share it with those we loved. We made many unconscious decisions within ourselves that forbid us to love. Because to love is to be threatened and dependent on the one we love again. We have nurtured indifference and rationality in place of what was experienced inside as a betrayal of our love.
Deprived of the experience of love in childhood and forbidden it to himself, the narcissist finds himself dependent on it.
He is always looking for warmth in a relationship while berating himself for this inner need. The paradox is that he is completely unable to see and feel it in the ordinary human love of another person for him. It is simply that the narcissist spends his entire life looking for perfect love. Instead of the imperfect and painful one he once experienced. While he is searching for the perfect lover for the perfect relationship that could satiate him with perfect love, all ordinary human relationships pass him by. And any missteps of the beloved can actually hurt the narcissist and be seen as a betrayal. A betrayal of his hopes, expectations, and the investment he puts into the relationship, demanding total perfection from himself.
If you recognize yourself in this description, then:
- admit that you still expect your partners to live up to the expectations you had for the parents who didn’t give you love;
- find an ecological and safe form of grieving this unmet childhood desire to love and be loved that all people have. Perhaps it will be psychotherapy, close friends, or self-help techniques that seem appropriate to you;
- remind yourself that even if you have had a sorrowful relationship history where you did not feel loved, there is a future ahead where you can love and be loved;
- Look around more often to notice what kind of people and attitudes your life is filled with. Rely on this reality more than on fantasies of ideal experiences you have been deprived of.