Dependency

By demanding of himself to need absolutely no one, the narcissist actually remains inside very, very dependent. Therein lies one of the major narcissistic paradoxes. They demand of themselves the fortitude of an impregnable and self-sufficient rock, able to withstand any blow of fate, while inside they remain fragile and very much in need of filling their deficit of dependence on another.

As children, they were denied the support that parents are supposed to give their children. And, having lost hope of it, narcissists terrorize themselves all their lives with the demand that they need to handle everything on their own and not need anyone. Even when entering a relationship, a narcissist has one part of himself endlessly hoping that his partner will give him a break and relax. But there is no way the other can allow this, because then he would be forced to face his own inadequacy. And that’s something he can’t bear. His idealized image requires him to always be able to handle everything and ask nothing from anyone.

The narcissistic person endlessly attacks his need for dependency. By this criterion, experts determine the malignancy of narcissism: whether there is even a little bit of the ability to depend on someone left in a person, or whether it is replaced by rigid forms of subjecting oneself to the will of others so that they themselves want to do what he needs to do.

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This is what inevitably unfolds in therapy as well. Because the very act of going to a psychologist means that the narcissist needs someone else. And this truth he will studiously avoid in various ways. He will devalue the psychologist and the process itself. He will attack his inability to understand and change quickly. He will not recognize the benefits that can be taken from the specialist. He will wallow in shame if confronted with the fact that he does need help or support. He will resist and squirm and pretend, “I just happened to stop by for a minute just to take a look”….

Avoiding dependence on the psychologist, the narcissist invents an ironclad rationalization: “Let’s get down to business and dispense with any relationship.” That is, in his fantasy, he has come only to receive the benefit of doing without the therapist’s dependence and emotional investment.

Sometimes it takes several years before it is possible to feel in therapy that we (psychologist and client) are not just moving toward some outcome. We are not practicing efficiency or developing skills. A person doesn’t just come in every week, tell the therapist some pretty hard stories from his life, and the therapist listens and responds. At some point the question arises: what is the person doing to literally ignore the relationship with the therapist?

This is how things work inside a narcissist. You can be with him for a long time, and when he leaves the same space with you, he will sincerely believe that you have forgotten him and are indifferent to him in general. He quickly loses this thread of connection because the capacity for attachment is severely compromised in him. He does not feel the value of time spent together and what remains inside when the distance increases. In his soul, traces of emotional memory of the other disappear surprisingly quickly.

Narcissist consciously or unconsciously forces himself not to be bored, not to be sad, not to worry. In this way he preserves his emotional unattachment and independence.

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“I will not give anyone power over my feelings that can hurt me.” So don’t get invested in the other, lest he realize how important he is to you, lest he become dependent on him.

If you can’t functionally help, the narcissist sees no point in sharing his experiences. He doesn’t expect to be worried or concerned about him. He sees all talk of feelings and burdens as pointless. He carries them alone, not even realizing that it is possible to want anything from people in this moment. This is what happens in his inner reality, where he walks through a lifeless desert with no people around him who live somewhere far away from him. And that’s how it was in his past…

I have seen many cases where clients, having been in therapy for a long time, fiercely resist their need for another person. You can’t imagine how desperate a struggle it is, full of both rage and pain. Their inner tyrant fiercely attacked their willingness to surrender and accept the help and support of the person next to them. Their inner little child was squirming and sobbing inside. These processes are always accompanied by severe headaches, as if the head is splitting in two. Because there is a direct threat to the rigid order: “Destroy in yourself the need for another, do not hope for an adequate response.”

Narcissus bypasses dependence as a dangerous abyss, once he falls into which he can no longer be invulnerable and strong. But if he regains the right to depend on people, it is a chance for a very different life, in which there are close and warm relationships, where it will be possible to both give and receive…

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