In last week’s installment, I wrote a lot about devaluation and how it is a defense technique the narcissistic psyche uses against relationships.
If idealization is necessary for the narcissist to let anyone get close to him, then devaluation is necessary to make sure that no one means enough to him.
Well, one more task of devaluation: it reliably guards the narcissist from encountering the human in people.
I agree, it sounds strange. But the narcissistic psyche is organized around ideal parents, ideal self and ideal people around. Which, of course, don’t exist. But the narcissist does not want and, probably, until a certain time and can not see that people are just people. After all, he is sincerely suffering all the time that they are just “subhumans”, and passionately and demandingly searches for a way to find the “become normal at last!” button from them. When confronted with reality in the form of human characteristics, flaws, and limitations, the narcissist gets angry and rushes to fix them. And then devalues them and walks away. And I don’t even know which option is better. Maybe it’s safer for you when the narcissist simply concludes that you’re hopeless and walks away. It’s safer than if he, driven by rage, pushes you to be perfect, infallible, and mature.
This is fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
To publish and finish the book I need your support. I’ll be glad to have your help. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/
Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.
And she suffered a lot that she could not build a relationship with anyone. Because as soon as she got close to someone and look at him better, then everything became completely unbearable. Instead of someone worthy of her, someone full of flaws and limitations invariably appeared next to her.
“Life is pain,” Narcissus decided each time. And went to work on herself again.
Of course, deep down, the narcissist does not care about your development and future. You simply do not correspond to the inner picture of the narcissist’s world, you cannot serve him perfectly or you do not raise his self-esteem by yourself, such a weak loser. He wants the perfect accessory and function. That’s all. But! By devaluing you, he’s fighting his limitations!
He fights his humanity, commonness and ordinariness. He avoids meeting the laws of reality and human life. In this, too, you are only a means of helping the narcissist to get rid of the anxiety of being only a human being and not a super being from his own fantasies.
People who recognize themselves in these stories and really want a relationship, albeit through resistance and pain, will have to:
- examine the unrealistic nature of their claims to grandiosity and greatness;
- recognize that these claims to themselves are not only not conducive to relationships with people, but instead are detrimental to them;
- to learn, albeit through denial and disgust, to see their human nature, which makes them like all people;
- to learn to get closer to people not from the position of perfection or nothingness, but from the state of an ordinary person. We will talk more about this in the last part.