When I say that inside the narcissistic personality is a vast and lifeless wasteland, it very accurately conveys the feeling of its total loneliness. It feels unnecessary and unimportant. Some narcissists expend a tremendous amount of energy to resist relationships, intimacy, and emotional involvement. Others do this without much difficulty. Some are relentless in their efforts to make sure that no one person means much to them. And others don’t even realize that such relationships between people are possible. So deeply have they been touched by narcissistic isolation.
The former are driven by the living pain of losing a relationship, so they are afraid to attach, to invest, and to lose. And the latter don’t even feel the very need to be with people. So much of it is burned out by that same pain. Relationships in the former would be possible, but the impulse for them is interrupted so as not to suffer after they end. Relationships in the latter are either not made at all or remain on a functional level.
This is fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
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And since the narcissist doesn’t really have a conscious need to connect with another person, he moves toward the other person solely with the desire to make up for his own deficiency.
It seems to him that all normal people are in relationships. And that the other person will make him more fulfilled because he will choose the narcissist to be in a relationship with himself. And that this will give him a chance to finally feel normal and accepted.
Little Narcissotchka walked through life with a steady stride.
The time of her own life was very precious to Narcissus. And it was to be devoted only to successes, victories and very effective relationships. And everything that did not fit in there was to be ruthlessly and irrevocably rejected. Because it was completely useless to Narcissus.
If there’s no attachment, there’s nothing to lose, so there’s nothing to hurt.
I’m not alone. I just don’t want it all.
It’s not that I can’t be in a relationship. I don’t need them at all.
This is how the narcissist takes control of the very need for relationship, so as not to give anyone else power in the area in which he was once so badly hurt and rejected.