Fear of Fun
Fear of fun and fear of being fun or happy. It turns out that it can happen. And for narcissists, by the way, it is quite characteristic. These experiences are described as an inability to relax and endless self-punishment for even seconds of peace and, God forbid, happiness. This is subordinate to unconscious attitudes, but is triggered reflexively. As soon as a narcissist feels the need to rest or enjoy something, he immediately becomes more anxious.
I have to go clean my apartment right away.
I still have two projects to do.
Others get by without a babysitter, and I’m here to rest after a 15-hour workday.
There are children starving in Africa, and I’m just lounging here.
And so on.
In order not to face anxiety, the narcissist organizes his life so that there is no reason to reproach or punish himself. He doesn’t go to meetings with friends. He doesn’t visit places where he could enjoy beauty or just laugh. He successfully gives up his most favorite activities, replacing them with something useful and effective.
One day Little Daffodil came home from work, made dumplings, put her children and husband to bed, cleaned the floors, made breakfast, and lay down… Thinking either to sleep or to die.
But then she came to her senses.
After all, she had not yet earned either.
Of course, all this happens under plausible pretexts of employment of children, family, lack of resources, lack of time, and the like. And thoughts or ideas as to how this could be organized, narcissist does not even come to mind. Or they are rejected with the caveat “yes, but…”.
Enjoyment, pleasure, and happiness can theoretically only be earned or earned. The mere desire to get it “just because one wants it” is absolutely insufficient.
Exercise
It is important for the narcissistic individual to learn to regard herself not only as a “mechanism” requiring mental development, functional care and improvement. She will have to move exclusively out of a paradigm in which there are only “inanimate” criteria:
- effective — not effective,
- useful — not useful,
- cool — not cool,
- prestigious — not prestigious.
Imagine that you are not only an “efficient mechanism” that must function properly. It’s important for you to provide yourself with a lot of pleasure through things, people, and circumstances. It’s important for you to master the categories of “beautiful,” “pleasant,” “resourceful,” “nourishing,” and “enriching. Here are, for example, a few reasons to do this:
- The ability to get a good night’s sleep and rest;
- the opportunity to dress well;
- the opportunity to have good relationships with family and friends;
- the ability to have favorite and well-functioning household items;
- To have a home that is decorated according to your tastes;
- The opportunity to feel healthy;
- the opportunity to have a nutritious and healthy diet;
- the opportunity to have the support of colleagues;
- opportunity to be creative;
- the opportunity to have hobbies and favorite activities;
- opportunity to have a stable income and savings;
- the ability to plan my life by myself;
- the ability to feel independence;
- the opportunity to have close people to lean on;
- an opportunity for development, education, and self-education;
- the opportunity to be interested in new types of activity;
- opportunity to be active in an occupation;
- the opportunity to belong to a circle of people with similar interests, etc.
These are resources that we all need. It is what helps not only to nourish ourselves, but also to better adapt to difficult situations in life. It is what makes us more resilient when we experience the stress or temporary difficulties inherent in human existence.
Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
