Feeling humiliated by the need for help and support

Do you remember who is behind the invulnerable shell of a narcissist? A small child who once decided to himself that it was necessary to become an adult in order not to experience shameful weakness and not to depend on anyone. He has been avoiding that shame ever since. To turn to people, discovering his own need for them — it would seem that what could be more natural? But things aren’t so easy for a narcissistic personality….

To even hint that I am failing, needing the help, support, participation of others, is often a humiliating admission of one’s own limitations and self-depreciation. The natural need for other people and closeness is replaced by distance building and rigid defenses:
- It doesn’t hurt me…
- I can manage on my own….
- Nobody is interested in other people’s problems …
- I don’t really need much support and help from you….
- Don’t ask for support.
- Don’t show pain.
- Not to expect help.
- Don’t believe in other people’s willingness to respond to my difficulties.

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And so the illusion is created that everything can be lived alone, that it is cool and generally mature. And a direct request — weakness and a sign of infantilism. But actually, it’s the other way around. It’s very childish to think that everything can be borne on one small shoulders.

Little Narcissus was more afraid of falling apart than anything else in the world. Therefore, she trained her endurance and even in some places “ferro-concrete”.

She coped with all the difficulties of life by herself. And remained practically invulnerable to them. Only all the time she sincerely wondered why no one wanted to support and help her

Narcissus is not just afraid of dependence on people, he is afraid of giving too much power over himself to another and losing the ability to control everything. Dependency also humiliates him. This is a completely genuine and unconceived sense of humiliation that arises every time the narcissist is forced to face the fact that he needs something from others. After all, it seems that he should possess everything he needs and not look for anything outside himself and his capabilities.

But if he discovers his need for someone, the alarm goes off! It means that he has done a bad job and remained weak and not self-sufficient in something, although he should have. There is a high probability that he will not discover all this. Because otherwise he will say to himself: “You are a loser, because you failed to solve everything yourself. “You’re a loser, a weakling and a wimp. No way! It is better to walk with your head held high or, on the contrary, to crawl away into your own personal desert, but not to people….

Thank the author: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/

You won’t believe it, but in my practice I have heard amazing stories of people not turning to other people just to avoid admitting to themselves that they can’t handle everything alone.

In the struggle for this false and unnecessary autonomy, it is quite possible to exhaust oneself and accidentally die.

Therefore, it is important to give up the crown of omnipotence and try to do things differently.
- Realize that asking for help and support is sometimes stronger and more mature than coping with everything alone, dying from stress and exhaustion.
- To observe people around you asking for help and support.
- Learning your own, most self-esteem-safe ways to present your need for help to people.

Summary

Even though the narcissist has no experience with close relationships, is afraid of them, fears dependency, and berates himself for needing people, he still wants to be with them. Yes, he goes into them “snaggy” and uncomfortable, but he still tries. In the way he knows how.

I, for example, have long believed that everyone around me builds and is in relationships with other people easily. And I was the only one with something wrong with me. I felt like a cross between the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. Clumsy, inappropriate, heartless, scary, and without a brain.

It’s like everyone else around here! Talking to each other. Living with each other somehow. They’ve been friends for decades. And they never get bored of each other. So let’s face it, human relationships are really hard. If not superficially or formally, it’s hard. Scary. Anxious.

Uncontrollable. And also, in some places, shameful. The belief that relationships should be easy is a fantasy from the realm of popular psychology. And if you believe in it, you can, like me, wallow in self-recrimination. Or give up on relationships altogether. It doesn’t work. It’s hopeless. You don’t have to try.

But the truth is, we’re fine. We’re just not masters of this complicated business yet. We’re starting at elementary level…

Thank the author: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/