Feelings of worthlessness
Narcissism is closer to self-loathing
than self-esteem.
Christopher Lash is an American sociologist and cultural historian.
You probably notice this subtlety in the Little Narcissist stories: deficient narcissists demand as much grandiosity and perfection from themselves as overt narcissists do. It is the only reason for them to fall even lower into nothingness and to feel their own inferiority. For them it is a reason to attack themselves even more and to be depressed. Compared to the ideal self that grows instead of the normal self, the narcissist feels insignificant all the time. And compared to the grandiose, he feels small and weak.
Once upon a time there lived a Little Narcissus.
And she had absolutely no idea what she was. Just in case, she daydreamed about grandiosity, but deep down she thought she was insignificant. For a long time she ran around the world, comparing herself to everyone. Until she was finally convinced that she was completely hopeless.
People with narcissistic disorders come to me and tell me about this painful experience. And it sounds like: “I’m under…”
It’s a deep and acute feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, and inadequacy. When we begin to talk about it and examine it more closely, it turns out that “not…” — is anything that falls short of perfect or near-perfect performance. Man sees before him his ideal image, which has nothing to do with reality, and runs to it, like a donkey for the eternally unattainable carrot. Of course, objectively there are many beautiful qualities and virtues in a person, but they are all devalued and do not add up to a general image that would be sufficient for a narcissist.
Becoming “up to…,” that is, sufficient and “worthy,” is not a realistic goal at all, because it is impossible to meet the criteria of a narcissist.
Do you know why? Because the person seems to have grown up, but the criteria that he must meet remain from unrealistic childhood fantasies. He wants to be the best: smart, rich, beautiful, cool, confident, and so on. Besides, it is not enough for a narcissistic person to be just a good person. She must “mold” herself into a superhuman being. A perfect being, beyond the power of others; unaware of human experience; with no need for other people.
One of my clients described this running in a vicious circle as follows: “I want so much to become smarter, stronger, more stable, and generally better. Inside me there are unattainable ideal pictures of what I have to be to be good to myself and to finally settle down.
My narcissistic reactions are usually like this. I look around, notice who is good at what. And I kill myself by comparison. Because I’m so bad compared to them, I shouldn’t even begin. I find those whom I envy, and I begin to compete with them within myself to win and surpass. This, of course, gives me energy, but it never gets me anywhere. I can’t “beat” anyone, but only become convinced that I am worse. I wallow in shame every time I fail to achieve something. Moreover, my “defeats” accumulate, and instead of something to lean on, the hole of my “nothingness” inside me increases. Shame about myself, my mistakes, and all the experiences that I consider unsuccessful become my eternal companions. I don’t even try to do anything anymore. I sink into sadness and longing. I seem to calm down, since I no longer have to chase somewhere and strain under the shame and pressure of imperfection. But hopelessness undermines me.”
In general, the narcissist is faced with a truly unrealistic task. And, of course, he turns out to be always “under…” Because these grandiose ideals are impossible to live up to. And because he never succeeds in destroying the person in him, no matter how hard he tries.
Exercise
Despite the available image of the ideal self, the stern demands of the inner critic, and the fantasies of the grandiose self, the deficient narcissist is exhausted, and does not get much closer to his goals. It could be said that these inner phenomena undermine self-esteem far more than they build it up. Although the narcissist believes the opposite is true. And for this purpose he “works on himself.” Though in fact, of course, it is more like an attack on oneself.
Because this “work” means:
- kicking oneself;
- devaluing;
- comparing yourself to the abstract John and Kate, about whom you know nothing but hilarious Instagram posts;
- To punish yourself for any blunder and mistake.
In other words — to humiliate themselves … Sometimes a deficient narcissist copes with this on their own. And sometimes, for the sake of reliability, he attracts a partner who “chisels” in self-esteem. You can pick up girlfriends like that. They will “shake you up” every time and remind you that you can’t relax and “why are you whining, get a hold of yourself.
Otherwise, for some reason, it is considered that you will not grow up! Attacking yourself and punishing yourself is the only practical and particularly effective means to get better.
Where’s the logic in that? — I will naively ask.
Paradoxically, deficit narcissists seriously think that if you don’t relax and destroy your self-esteem, it will become stronger.
Now, pay attention to the question: what are some of the specific ways you destroy your self-esteem?
The key to the exercise
As he gets out of the vicious circle that the narcissist runs around in search of an unattainable ideal and looks at what he has in reality, he finds himself at a loss. To begin with, of course, he will apply his favorite technique and even devalue the qualities found in himself by comparing himself to others or to himself in a perfect version.
Then he may do another feint with his ears. He will sit down and look at his treasures, even acknowledging that what he possesses is really not bad in itself. But…it’s not like he doesn’t have everything else. He’ll name a few qualities he’d like to have, but it didn’t happen… and he’ll be upset! And, instead of going into his life with what he has, he will be sad about what he doesn’t have. And will again remain on the shore, watching his own life go by…
Deficient narcissism can manifest itself in this negative way. When what is there is not acknowledged, and energy is “killed” on what is not there. The narcissist cannot get enough of what he has, refusing to look at it and use it in life, that is, in the here and now. He prefers not to use anything, because otherwise he would have to do this or that, step out of his comfort zone and risk his self-esteem…
You have to see the impasse in this way of dealing with yourself. And make four kinds of efforts:
- Track the moments in which you attack yourself in any way.
- Pause.
- Force your will to stop it (simply telling yourself “Stop it!”).
- Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, fixate on what you do have.
