Grief
Do you know why it is difficult and sometimes unbearable for a narcissist to move through the fear of pity and dependency? Because the road to them lies through grief. Ordinary human grief, in which the sea of tears for the once lost hope of love.
The grief of a narcissist is almost impossible to get to. It’s secret and hidden from all eyes. The psyche cherishes it as the most valuable but cursed treasure. Because if the narcissist confronts it and recognizes that he has something to grieve about, it turns out that inside he is simply a man devoid of love and significance. He is deprived of something important. And this is something that the narcissist cannot bear to admit. So he denies both the fact of the deprivation and the need to grieve about it.
Furthermore, if the narcissist grieves this initial loss, he will have to say goodbye to the hope that someday he will still receive that love. After all, he has worked so hard on himself to get it, trying to become perfect and ideal. And to make the world love him. And if there’s no hope and only sorrow, then all the effort was for nothing. All in vain…
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The narcissist’s fear of grieving is so strong that sometimes he forbids himself even to be sad and cry, telling himself and others that he has nothing to worry about at all.
Tears, which would allow the narcissist to legalize his grief even a little, he carefully hides. And inside his soul salty lakes and seas are formed, which, however, are not at all curative. They preserve the pain caused by loss, but they do not cure it.
Narcissus cannot mourn the loss of his mother’s and father’s love. He is frozen in a fantasy in which he was rejected, and then he himself destroyed in himself everything that could have made love possible. He can’t get over the fact that he will never be loved, needed, or interesting again. As he could have been as a child if his mother’s love had belonged to him undividedly. Living with this notion of unrequited love, he feels coldness and rage. And they allow him to destroy the very need for what he has never been able to obtain. This phenomenon is the essence of narcissism. The narcissist can only heal if he has the strength to face this global and total grief.
It is impossible to approach it alone. The psyche keeps the narcissist from drowning in tears or suffocating in pain. In the depths of his soul there is a terrifying darkness, emptiness and coldness into which one cannot descend without a guide to hold his hand and help him look at the truth… It turns out that we cannot help but love and need our mother if there is a deficit inside. Even if we are away thousands of kilometers, send only postcards on holidays and are completely seemingly indifferent. Inside the thirst for love is inexorable, and the deficit exists, even if it is not recognized or devalued. And it is very scary and unexpected to admit: “I can’t help but love my mom. I can’t help but need her love. I am powerless not to want love… If I can’t receive love or acceptance, I won’t need it at all. And that is my power — to destroy the significance of the other for the relationship with him or to destroy the relationship itself” — so he thinks, not recognizing his powerlessness, increasing his need not to depend on others in any way. To recognize all this is to make a breakthrough (in the narcissist’s mind, of course).
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Based on the narcissistic paradigm, the child, and then the adult in general, destroys the impulse to the other that cannot be satisfied.
So as not to suffer from his own limitation to influence it.
So as not to grieve the exclusion from the love life of the other.
So that it is not the other who limits my need for the other, but I limit myself (or I limit myself) for a relationship with him.
I say to myself, accept that you are not needed (not wanted). Stop needing someone you care so much about!
To not want connection and valued dependency, I conquer my desire for it.
I conquer by killing the need itself.
I spread my love myself (myself), only to not recognize the grief of not being loved the way I wanted to be loved.
This is not about powerlessness. It’s about destroying the energy directed towards the one you love, so that you don’t discover your dependence on his love….
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