Helping people with deficit narcissism

“When our heart is broken, our soul groans in pain, and our sense of self worth is trampled, there are only three ways things can go. I see them all the time, both in my own life and in the responses of my research participants. The first: to continue to live in pain, dulling it for a while with various addictions and involving others in their suffering. Second: deny the pain, sneak it to others, and pass it on to children. The third: find the courage to acknowledge your pain and reach a new level of compassion and empathy that allows you to empathize with yourself and others, to notice when someone else is hurting too.” Brené Brown*.

*Brené Brown is an American writer, professor at the University of Houston, Master of Social Work, and Doctor of Philosophy. Brown’s research and books focus on issues related to feelings of shame and vulnerability, as well as courage and wholeness in life.

At first, the narcissist comes to therapy driven by a desire to understand everything quickly, take the psychologist’s recipes for happiness, “swallow” them and run away. And it’s still good. Because for most of his life he lives with the beliefs “No one will understand me better than I understand myself” and “Only weak and crazy people go to psychologists”. Narcissus, of course, is neither.

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Let’s remember that in his fantasies he is very smart and very strong. And also independent and needing no one. On these defenses, he grew up, formed, and on the same stands his entire adult character. So if he did get to a psychologist, that’s a giant step.

Yes, as you can imagine, he may come for one or two appointments, realize that he will not be given a magic pill, but will have to face the unpleasant truth, and leave. Or he may go for quite a long time and with obvious progress! If very gradually establishing contact and being extremely careful to deal with the fragility of self-esteem, progress in gaining stability, adequate self-perception and improved relationships with people is very possible.

And session by session we can slowly see how layer by layer the defenses, a solid wall of reinforced concrete surrounding the fragile self of the narcissist, fall away. How he is slowly mastering his inner world, how he is learning to see how much wealth is hidden in the treasuries of his soul. He learns to appreciate it all, not devalue it. And in general, he gains more freedom in dealing with his inner world. He squares his shoulders, raises his head and looks inward and outward with curiosity rather than boredom.

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Gradually, under the seven seals, a picture emerges of an individual history full of pain and suffering that has turned him into a narcissist, forcing him to “whittle” himself down to a belittled being. And then a dam of tears bursts about himself, about that little boy or girl who being sincere and beautiful had to kill love in himself, defending himself from the wounds of being unloved and unwanted in his family….

But this sometimes takes several years. These years are necessary for a person to go through his “rubble”, behind which his real self is hidden from himself. On this path, he will have to overcome several obstacles that are so scary for the narcissist that he does not always dare to even encroach on some of them. But his efforts will be rewarded.

He will find his “normalcy and adequacy.”

He will be able to receive satisfaction from his activities, allowing himself to create and manifest his ambitions.

He will be able to be happy, sad, angry, anxious, willing, excited, interested.

In other words, he will change from being an observer of his life to being an active “resident” of it.

To get a chance to do all this, he will have to “fall into five deep gorges.” In some places it will be unbearable, but together with a psychologist it can be overcome. Narcissus will always try to escape from these topics, and it will take a lot of effort to keep going. And it’s not because of his reluctance or laziness. When these topics come up in therapy, such a volume of feelings and pain is brought up, including physical pain, that it is worth a lot of effort to keep being in it and not end it all.

These unbearable topics inevitably cause:
- resistance,
- anger and even rage,
- shame,
- fear,
- confusion.

Even these feelings in themselves are difficult for the narcissist to bear. And then he has to run into the things around which they arise… time after time.
These are the five obstacles a narcissist has to get through in order to be healthy:
- powerlessness,
- dependency,
- self-compassion,
- ordinariness,
- grief.

These are the five “givens” that the narcissist has unconsciously organized his life around. They are states that he hides from himself, denies, and resists with his whole nature.

The way out of almost any long-lasting problem of the narcissist runs through these doors. It is a pity that few reach them and dare to even open them. Because it seems to the narcissist that his ego will shatter from encountering these terrifying experiences. And in fact that is where the chance for narcissistic transformation lies. It doesn’t depend on which road we choose to take to deal with our deficit narcissism. We still have to enter these “doors” that can open the way to our true self and the resource of life and individuality that we possess.

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