Is it possible to save or rebuild a relationship while in love addiction?
No, it is not possible to be in a relationship of dependence. Coming out of it, yes. The situation, however, is complicated by the fact that outside of the addictive dynamic the partner who causes so much feeling and suffering may not be interesting, but that’s an answer to another question.
So, to keep (I would say “start a new”) relationship with someone with whom you are in love addiction is possible only by restoring your boundaries and surfacing from the bottom of self-destruction, and without the help of this partner. The task here is normal autonomous functioning, in which possible:
a) volitional behavior;
b) enduring seclusion.
Other signs of normal autonomous functioning are:
- A sense of self-esteem and having a neutral-positive self-image;
- presence of a positive picture of the future;
- De-idealization of the partner: treating him or her as one of the people in your life who has nothing that you would die without
- giving up the desire to get revenge/prove something to your partner
- acceptance of the tragic given that although he may be the cause of your feelings, he shouldn’t and won’t be responsible for them.
Then and only then we can talk about a hypothetical rebuilding of the relationship, but such a rebuilding requires a lot of time, humility, and giving up illusions and even hope.
Realignment will not be possible if you find yourself instantly (within a week/month) with that partner after the reunion at the very familiar “day”. Realignment will also be impossible if you have decided to keep the relationship at all costs “at your own expense”: that is, to give up your desires, needs, visions — everything that was unsatisfied in your couple. If you are determined to shove your true desires for the relationship far away, to tolerate the tension and ignore a part of yourself for the sake of maintaining a connection where you are not getting something fundamentally important, the prognosis is bad. It’s not a rebuilding of the relationship, it’s a new twist.
Relaxation, being able to present authentically, lacking expectations and anxiety, being able to endure a slow pace, are more likely to give a good prognosis.
The causes of almost any relationship problem can be attributed to one group:
- I’m confused, I don’t distinguish between desires to get closer / away. For example, the desire to get closer causes shame, and then I move away, or the desire to distance causes guilt, and then I move closer, but in both cases — frustration, because the true need is not met.
- I have trouble acknowledging and discovering my need for another. From the micro level: can’t ask him to help me with parking, can’t ask for support and understanding, “I have to do everything myself,” to the more global level of “I can’t count on anyone else in this life” or “I can do without people at all.”
Or a variant of the other pole of the same group: I absolutize my neediness and need, you by definition owe me everything, and should guess my needs before I do.
