Lack of reliance on the experience of satisfying relationships

Fragile People — Psychology
4 min readNov 5, 2023

The narcissist’s head is full of idealized constructs of how a proper relationship should work. Theories about “real”, “suitable”, “second halves” and other things support the fantasy that something should happen by itself, without effort and solely because two such beautiful people coincided, fit each other like a key to a lock, and began to live together happily ever after. Simply because they fit together.

There is nothing wrong with such rationalizations and idealizations. But the radar for finding “our own men” goes off. After all, firstly, it seems that it should be immediately clear whether a person is or is not one’s own, fits or does not fit. And secondly, if you’ve made a mistake once, why give him a chance? There’s nothing to waste time on. It’s obvious that he’s not the right person. If there was such a one, what the soul is looking for, — would have done right and from the first time. And the narcissist is left alone again, wondering what is wrong with him. Is it too much to ask?
Speaking of chances. This is another problem of the narcissist. In his inner reality, there is no reliance on a time-long and stable relationship with someone close to him.

What does that mean? Relationships cease to exist for him very quickly. Any reason, such as not meeting expectations, can cause him to turn away and close the door behind him. He doesn’t know that relationships can be given a second chance or worked on at all. As soon as they are interrupted for any reason, he can feel as if they never existed. He doesn’t miss it, he doesn’t grieve, he doesn’t worry. It can really look like he just turns away and walks away without looking back at what’s left in the ashes of the relationship. He has a knack for forbidding himself from worrying so much that it’s a wonder he cares. He doesn’t see himself as someone people will miss or feel sad about. In his mind, they also just walk away, leave him and forget him, not at all worried about losing their relationship with him.

This is fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”

To publish and finish the book I need your support. I’ll be glad to have your help. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/

Because of attachment disorders, he sees the world of relationships in such a way that people just break up, remaining inside not upset, not hurt, not grieving. It was good, it wasn’t, it’s fine. He can’t hold the connection between himself and others inside if it is not validated in the here and now and not proven by passions, actions, or the opportunity to be around. As long as the narcissist is around, he sees you, remembers you, and interacts. When you move away from him, that’s it! He’s gone for you, you’re gone for him. What was — melted away like smoke, as if it never happened.
The only thing a narcissist can often worry about and really suffer is his defeat, that he failed to choose the right partner and that it was not possible to keep the relationship.

This type of narcissistic damage is simply unbearable. He failed! He didn’t make it! He couldn’t! That is, he is not so much worried about the loss of the relationship or pining for the person he failed to stay with, but that he failed to come out of it all with the success that he should surely have in all things.

Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.

She believed that the most important thing is to choose the right people for yourself. Because then the relationship will be formed by itself. And if they do not add up, it means that these people are simply not suitable.

For this Narcissochka read a lot of literature on personal growth and popular psychology. For effective selection and breeding.

If you can admit to yourself that this is about you, I recommend that you:
- explore the topic of attachment disorders;
- Recognize that you had these disorders in your relationship with your parents, which inevitably endows you with the characteristics described in this chapter. And you cannot be different, based on your personal history. And this is not your fault, but your misfortune;
- to allow yourself to assume that relative to these circumstances you are quite adequate and normal;
- to go to therapy and learn the experience of being in a long-term relationship, because I don’t know any other way to acquire it.

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Fragile People — Psychology

Philosopher, psychologist. I write about people, psychology, life, business. Support: https://bmc.link/FragilePeople