Narcissistic adaptation to the conditions of childhood

So, I think it is already clear from all of the above how a narcissist “hatches” out of a child. This is a person who has not had the good fortune to be in a relationship of secure attachment and dependence. Who has no experience of safe, secure, predictable and warm relationships with the first people in his life. Who has slammed the doors of his soul too soon, having lost all hope of being able to love and receive love, has distanced himself emotionally, protecting himself from his pain.

The very treatment of him as unvalued and unimportant by his loved ones, or the feeling of insecurity, forced him to expend all his mental resources in defense. He had no opportunity to develop normal self-confidence. He was consumed with the task of saving himself on this path of loneliness and alienation from people. He remained an outsider and an inadequate “alien” from another planet, who is simultaneously beguiled and frightened by the world of human relationships. He has made many decisions for himself to cut ties with himself, with his feelings, with other people. But they all add up to a fateful choice, which is the beginning of narcissism, simultaneously closing off many areas of normal human life to the man. These will prove inaccessible to him, on the one hand, because of his lack of experience and because his experience of relating to people was interrupted early, and, on the other, because he is absorbed in another primary task. From now on, all his energies, attention and resources will be devoted to self-assertion and at least some self-discovery. He craves this as a guarantee that he will then become more adequate, more fit for life, more complete, able to compare with other people.

His defenses will henceforth be based on his denial of the need for anyone and his fierce demanding of himself.

After all, if he becomes perfect and perfect, then he has a chance, on the one hand, to do without everyone, and on the other, those around him will need him. His narcissistic choices give him security and control over his feelings, sensations, needs, and wants. What’s more! Control over the whole world. At the cost of his soul, he makes the most important bargain of life: he gives up his humanity and in return receives the hope of controlling reality. Thus, even the most deficient narcissist at heart is a master of life and death. Just unlucky… For which he punishes himself.

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”