Narcissistic Hunger.

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”

Our healthy narcissism, and consequently our normal psyche, is shaped by narcissistic investment. I realize that the words “capital” and “investment” are more associated with economics than with psychology, but there is simply no other way to call these phenomena.

So, the mother at the initial stage does make investments in the child’s psyche. And they are expressed in such little things, which we all know:
- warm hands rocking the baby;
- The mother’s affectionate gaze on the child;
- care for his comfort and pleasure;
- mimicry, reflecting the mother’s experiences in her relationship with her child;
- all the support — with words, looks and actions, addressed to the child, starting with those moments when he/she begins to learn the world;
- words of admiration for the child and joy that he is like this and not like that;
- and much, much more.

In general, the whole volume of the mother’s emotional investment, which serves as a signal to the child of her own value and importance to the other.

Once upon a time there was Little Narcissus.

And she was a healthy active girl. But her mother was tired at work and could not bear her daughter’s endless questions and irrepressible activity.

That is why Narcissochka quickly learned to stop and control herself in everything.

And then she grew up. But by this time she no longer felt alive.

Under these conditions, our normal human self becomes good and valuable to ourselves. Being the object of someone else’s care, love and attention, we gain a sense of ourselves, our possibilities and limitations. If all this does not happen to us, our “narcissistic piggy bank” is not filled and our soul is not nourished by value, we go out into the world “hungry. Our narcissistic hunger forces us to constantly search for affirmation of our value, importance, and even grandiosity, because it becomes simply impossible to be satiated by a simple human response to ourselves. The deficient narcissist needs tons of grandiose feats and genius projects of his own so that he can calm down and relax. And in return for all this he expects incredible initiative from his environment, which must notice, appreciate and admire what he has done and achieved.

He is insatiable. And so he remains hungry at all times. And in a perpetual search for a way to satisfy that hunger… This character forms around narcissistic hunger, when you have either never been the object of someone else’s attention, love and care at all, or when you have paid too dearly for it.

It arises around “events that did not happen.

When mom’s joyful eyes didn’t support you in your first steps or even your success on the potty.

When daddy’s eyes didn’t shine with pride at your accomplishments in kindergarten, classes and school.

When you went through the hard events of your life alone, with no participation, comfort or support.

When everyone pretended that nothing was going on, and you didn’t know whether to cry or lash out with rage.