Narcissistic Isolation

It is only in relationship that you are able to recognize yourself, not in withdrawal from reality and certainly not in isolation.

Jiddu Krishnamurti was an Indian spiritual teacher. He was a famous speaker on philosophical and spiritual topics. These included: psychological revolution, the nature of consciousness, meditation, relationships between people, achieving positive change in society.

Very often people with pronounced narcissistic features come to me and from the threshold declare: “I’m an introvert, and therefore I don’t need people.” — “Wait a minute,” I tell them, “I may be wrong, but judging by many of the signs you show even outwardly, you are hardly an introvert. But let’s explore.”

And we’ll explore what being an introvert means:
- being self-absorbed;
- to be inward-looking;
- to explore the depths of your soul with interest;
- to recognize the world through your response to it from within;
- to go easily into fantasy, and so on.

And upon some analysis, more often than not, it turns out that what the person is telling me is narcissistic isolation, not introversion.
Yes, he immerses himself in the inner world, but not to enjoy solitude, but to control himself completely and not to get into situations where he will be unbearably ashamed. Yes, he listens carefully to himself, but not because there is an incredibly interesting life inside. Rather, on the contrary: narcissists have a rather meager mental life. They suffer from the emptiness inside and from the fact that it is impossible to see and feel anything there. Yes, they are silent and do not communicate, but not because they are more interesting with themselves. It is because they often devalue themselves in advance for the interlocutor and wait for initiative from the other side. They should be the one to consider, address them and invite them into contact. Otherwise, the narcissist is afraid to run into rejection of himself. And therefore constantly interrupts his interest in other people.

Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissist.

And she suffered a lot that no one was interested in her. She wasn’t interested in anyone either.

Because… they’re not interested. “That’s what they should do,” Narcissus decided.

And she deprived them of communication with herself, remaining in complete and total isolation.

At some point, the isolation reaches a maximum. Narcissus is bored and feels lonely, unnecessary and inappropriate even in company. Well, in order not to tolerate all this, he prefers not to seek contacts at all. He explains this with different motives: “no desire”, “no energy” or “no sense”.

The important thing is that the introvert enjoys solitude and treats his inner life with attention and respect. The narcissist, on the other hand, while doing the same things outwardly, often experiences shame, devalues and attacks himself for being clumsy and unworthy.
Hidden narcissists, gripped by the totality of their own insignificance, can look a lot like introverts. But a little more attention to reactions and talking to oneself, and it becomes clear that we are dealing with a narcissistic isolation that serves the narcissist as a refuge from shame.

Exercise

My clients with whom I discuss the topic of narcissistic isolation tell me the same thing time after time. Once in the field of human connection, they don’t seem to know what is so interesting and valuable about themselves, but at the same time they expect that those around them should consider them and choose them as the object of their attention and interest. When I ask “what is it important for you to be seen in you?” they are lost. At best they answer: “I want to be liked for who I am.”

A legitimate question arises, “What’s that like?” When I turn this around in terms of responsibility, it turns out that the narcissistic personality is deep down fearful that he or she can generate (and most importantly, hold) interest in themselves.
There is a lot of powerlessness and desperation in the narcissist that he can pull it off.

It seems to him that if it is not seen from the outside, not applauded, not shouted “bravo”, unequivocally evaluating and recognizing it as a merit, then he is assigned the role of a statistician. To which, of course, he does not agree at all. So it is better to remain in beautiful and proud isolation.

As a practice, I suggest you do the following.

Observe yourself: how much do you communicate in words or actions, that is, verbal or non-verbal behavior, that you have something you would like to make visible to people? How much do you give yourself permission to share it with others? Well, in the best way possible, try manifesting yourself by observing the reactions of those around you. This is an important skill.

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”