Narcissistic Reality
Cloaked in the artfully constructed illusion of limitless possibilities, we all, at least until the onset of a mid-life crisis, cling to the belief that our existence is an endlessly upward spiral of achievement dependent only on our will.
Irvin Yalom. A Cure for Love and Other Psychotherapeutic Novels
The genius of psychotherapy has very subtle metaphor — we perceive life as an endlessly upward spiral of development. It begins already in the womb by listening to Schubert and Mozart. At six months, the child is taught a second language. At one year — the ability to distinguish the same Schubert from Bach. And at the age of two, the child is obliged to put on skits in the same two languages and show them in front of all acquaintances, so that the parents would not be ashamed of their child’s aimless years.
The narcissistic idea of not only endless development, but also the compulsory ascent through life has become almost the only ideology in which people sincerely believe. Any pause is not rest and legitimate relaxation, but loss of time and anxiety over missed opportunities. Any failure or setback is not the natural course of life, which everyone has, but a fatal failure and a blow to self-esteem. Any difference between people is not a truth of life, which accompanies any living organisms, but an unfortunate occasion to compare oneself and feel defective and hurt, which in the context of this competition means “there is something wrong with me”.
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Each subsequent life step and choice should be more successful and successful than the previous ones in terms of results. And the abilities to manage oneself, keep oneself in check and be independent of reality should be built upward.
The narcissistic ideal is the ability to live your life perfectly, taking advantage of every opportunity and not being distracted by nonsense like your own feelings.
All the reasons for success and failure, on the one hand, are locked into the person himself. “If I don’t succeed, it’s because I tried hard and I’m a failure.” And on the other hand — increased claims to the world: “I have not created enough opportunities, and why some people have everything and I have nothing?”. This split into its own grandiosity and insignificance is maintained and rocked. And there are fewer and fewer healthy reference points that lower the narcissistic standards of “if you’re not great, you’re a loser.”
But lately, an anti-trend has emerged. Whether due to stress, fatigue, or exhaustion, people are increasingly giving up on endless proving and achieving. Sometimes this manifests itself in the other extreme, when a person completely loses the urge to realize himself. He retreats to Tibet, Thailand or Goa and sways there on the waves of relaxation and pleasure.
It is important for all of us to find a balance. And it starts with cleansing our beliefs from what has turned out to be superfluous, fake, and debilitating. It’s like peeling an onion. It’s hard not to succumb to the narcissistic standards of our time. But as the years go by, the responsibility to ourselves increases. Our self suffers under the weight of evaluation, devaluation, and punishment. We are challenged to look within ourselves and call things by their proper names.
Why do we read psychology books? Precisely for this purpose: to learn how to name the phenomena and processes that occur within us. To be able to recognize them, to feel better about ourselves, and to navigate our inner world.
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This book uncovered many narcissistic strategies, feelings, and experiences. It describes the painful experiences that shape our narcissistic defenses. And how all of this as a whole affects our relationships in the present.
In this book, I put a lot of emphasis on exercises that will definitely help you notice yourself better and understand how your typical narcissistic behavior patterns work for you.
I’ll remind you again: narcissistic fragility is in almost all of us to varying degrees. And each of us has different defenses against it.
Some people are more vulnerable, some less so. But almost everyone has experienced at least once what is characteristic of narcissists, or experiences it regularly. And that doesn’t make us pathological narcissists. It just exposes a deficit that can be worked with.
The book led you down the path of recognizing your story. Those perhaps sad facts and events that happened to you through no fault of your own. We are all shaped by our families. And that’s just the way they are. We have not and will not have any others. But that doesn’t mean we can’t now choose other, healthier environments for ourselves and work towards more satisfying relationships.
To that end, I hope you have consistently done exercises that have unfolded your focus from typically narcissistic ways of dealing with yourself to a deeper understanding and feeling of yourself. Ultimately our deficits are filled with just that: careful attention and curiosity about ourselves, our experiences, our strengths and limitations, our inner world. When you can name what’s happening to you, that’s almost half the healing. And when you try something in a new way, it’s almost a hundred percent guarantee that you have a different future.
I really hope that the book has been a guide for you not only to the world of narcissism, but also a key to understanding yourself more deeply and discovering the value of yourself in the context of your life.
Thank the author: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/FragilePeople/
