Signs of Abuse.

Unfortunately, articles that dryly list the signs of abusive behavior prove to be virtually useless in reality, because

- By the time the victim identifies with the victim the article is about, she is no longer able to walk away and break the cycle.
- The articles (I talk about this a lot) are addressed to the victim rather than the abuser; and she, for the record, has nothing to modify her behavior, she needs to get out (which she can’t do without help [s]he has to change her behavior, which the abuser, however, is not interested in, etc.

That is why articles like “5/15/100500 signs of abusive behavior…” rather retrospectively summarize already happened experiences, helping to retroactively recall and name the “bells”, to see the logic of this diabolical spiral, which is not bad, but not enough.

These are competent articles, yet they can’t help as much as we would like.

From my point of view, we should talk more about the ways of personal development and about the prevention necessary to avoid initially falling into such a relationship — one, and two — to reflect on the rhetoric (articles, materials, movies…) with which to dialogue with the [potential] abuser, so that he can recognize himself and change, and, most importantly, be interested in change (the hardest part).

You could write a dissertation on the topic of “prevention,” but the key points I would emphasize are:

- Separation from parents (financially and emotionally) and accepting my adulthood/ taking responsibility for my life => not looking to a partner for a potentially perfect parent (= someone I would depend on).

- Filling my life with values, fun, goals that don’t depend on relationships.

- Developing the skill of experiencing rejection, dissatisfaction, rejection while maintaining self-respect.

The victim’s problem is that she does not accept herself when she is dissatisfied, rejected or ignored. this is what motivates her to cling and seek her abuser’s favor at all costs, becoming increasingly vulnerable.

“I accept myself even when the other doesn’t love me” is generally a good amulet for co-dependent/abusive relationships.

- Developing the skill of slow approach and active consent: “this is happening because I really actively want to, not because I don’t mind…”

• Post not over, continuation to follow.

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