The “healing fantasy” of narcissists.

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”

Lindsay K. Gibson, in her book “The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, says that those who grow up around parents who deny their children love, belonging, and dependence have one thing in common: “Children may respond differently to relationships with emotionally immature parents, trying to get their attention, get care, and establish rapport. However, all children growing up in an emotionally deprived environment have something in common. It’s their fantasies about how they end up getting what they need.”

The author calls this belief a healing fantasy. It consists of expectations and hopes under what conditions one might receive love and fulfillment of one’s needs from one’s parents. My clients often introduce me to such fantasies: “If I could behave properly (explain better, try harder, work on myself, heal…), then I would be able to make our relationship better (like you, Mom, get your love, support, crack you up, etc.). And so it seems that narcissistic people have some things going for them. Looking inside, we may find that the hope of love in them has once fallen into a coma or fallen into a lethargic sleep. Either way, it has fallen into unconsciousness. I mean, it’s so unconscious that it can’t be reached. And their healing fantasy works on the principle, “If I could, I could do without any of your love at all.” Or, “If I could do it, you all would love me and I wouldn’t be dependent on you for that.”

Once upon a time there was a Little Daffodil.

She had a Mother who had a lot of work to do and no one to leave her daughter with. Then Mama decided to give Narcissus to her grandmother in the village, who also had no time for the little girl. And Narcissochka was put by Grandmother behind a low fence for the whole day, so that she wouldn’t get in the way.
And when Narcissochka grew up, of course, she left the village, studied at two faculties and even went to work. But somehow neither two red diplomas nor deserved successes at work helped her become anything to herself. Looking into people’s eyes, she could not believe that anyone in this life cares about her.

And this healing fantasy has a front and a backside. On the surface the narcissist seems to have: “I will be better than everyone else, I will prove to you all, and you will love me (admire me, recognize me, be proud of me…).” And so deep-deep inside that it’s not even accurate, there’s a quiet voice of the most important need: “If you have lots and lots of love for me, then maybe you should be able to crack me up… but I don’t need that.” And so it goes round and round…