The idealization of adulthood
To be non-infantile is a modern trend. And the need to expel immaturity and infantilism from people has created a huge market of psychological speculation and tempting self-deception. “Rather than depend and need someone, I’ll be my own mother-daddy, doctor, therapist, best friend, and everyone else…” And so in an effort to achieve that damn maturity, you run to work. Making money. Dealing with everything by yourself alone, including death, loss, grief, trauma, anxiety, fears and even nightmares. You are so uninfantilized that you don’t even need any “props” in the form of friends, companions, buddies, relatives and other people. You are so self-sufficient and independent (or self-sufficient and independent) that not even your own mother can suspect you of infantilism anymore.
One Little Narcissist loved reading articles and posts about how to become an adult and independent. And about how to stop being infantile and weak.
And she also greatly admired the ideas of another Narcisso, who taught independence and in general was the ideal of how to live without needing anyone.
Anyway…
One Narcissus girl was so jealous of another Narcissus girl that she outdid her on all fronts. And she was left with total loneliness and independence.
A narcissistic person does exactly that. Because the fear of infantilism drives him around the world in search of more and more perfect and reliable ways to keep himself and the whole world under control. But for a narcissist, adulthood is not just a state of body and psyche. He puts truly grandiose characteristics into this concept.
For him to be an adult is:
- to be always strong, intelligent, coping with everything, steady, and so on;
- never being defeated, never giving up and coming out a winner;
- To be able to hold one’s own in spite of everything. And this should not be done at the expense of willpower, but because he should not care. Like the power of understanding, he should be able to stop being angry, suffering and grieving, for example. That is, to remain an indifferent and controlling person;
- not need other people in the way that weak and infantile people need them, and the like.
The narcissistic person fantasizes that the adult is all-powerful in controlling himself and his attraction to others.
He has so much power that he inspires them to want to be with him, but he himself does not experience such a thing, remaining inwardly unavailable. And here he is really trying to make such a person out of himself! He demands that he conform to the grandiose idealized adult rather than to the living person who grows up and handles his life differently.
The narcissist’s attitude about his own adulthood goes like this:
- I must own my feelings and desires.
- I must think things through in advance, anticipate and make the best choices about what is best for me.
- If I realize that a person isn’t right for me, I should break up with him or her easily.
- I shouldn’t worry if someone leaves me.
- Losses and crises are for those who are stupid and don’t know how to calculate things correctly.
- Only weak people ask for help. Grown-ups have to cope on their own.
- I have no interest in maintaining “empty” conversations. It would be good if all relationships were effective and useful to me.
- Only infantile people suffer. Adults take life into their own hands and do something with it.
- Preferably in a relationship the other needs me more than I need him. And so on.
To be able to do all this is the dream of the narcissistic individual, which is perfectly exploited by personal growth, confidence and self-love training. As a result, they promise that we can all become stronger, smarter, more self-sufficient, and more mature. The modern world is a narcissist’s dream, I tell you.
Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”
