What we face in relationships. A sense of our own inappropriateness

Because of the shame that is ready to appear in any communication like the devil out of a snuffbox, the narcissist often places himself in isolation. And on the surface comes up with rationalisations for himself.

“No one is interested in my problems.”
“What am I getting into when no one’s asking me?”
“Let them ask me first, then I’ll tell them.”
“What right do I have to pry?”
“I don’t want to be intrusive.”

Once upon a time there was a Little Narcissus.

And she suffered a lot that no one chose her or appreciated her. She kept thinking there was something wrong with her. And then it turned out that there really was nothing wrong with her. Because she had learnt to be invisible very well and had even achieved perfection in it. But for some reason, this perfection did not reassure her at all.

On closer inspection, there is certainly a lot of either self-depreciation or devaluing of people in the judgement of a narcissist.

The options boil down to either “I’m not worthy of them” or “they’re not worthy of me.”
And behind all of that, there’s a lot of fear.
Fear of being seen.
That they won’t.
That they’ll reject me, and I’ll be left with my own interest.
And then what do I do with that attention?
What if I’m used?
What will be required of me?
And so on.

The narcissist is often very clumsy in relationships. He doesn’t really know how to approach people and then how to withdraw.

He often feels out of place and inferior to those around him. He compares himself to almost everyone, loses, and “kills himself” over it. He controls his distance. Does not show vulnerability. Endlessly interrupts his movement towards people, filtering his interest and curiosity. And all for what?

Narcissists are often haunted by the belief that they have nothing to give to others. Although they are usually very developed, interesting individuals with many skills, their sense of themselves as empty, insignificant, and flawed affects their deficit of intrinsic value in relationships. They feel that they are completely uninteresting to these great people, of which there are a great number around. And so they don’t move towards people, endlessly hovering in a kind of narcissistic paradox. In relation to those who are interesting to them, they feel their own unworthiness. Those who are not interesting to them are arrogantly rejected because “why?”.

Narcissist endlessly expects to be seen, appreciated and “allocated a place”. At the same time, he most often cannot endure the anxiety of being approached, looked at and evaluated. So he hides from it all in such a way that he really cannot be seen or appreciated.

Loneliness and distance are the eternal companions of the narcissist.
If you are characterised by these feelings in contact with people, it would be important for you to know the following.

People do not only enter into relationships with perfect or ideal people.
- No one ever feels equally confident and worthy in all contact situations. We all take time to feel our own appropriateness in a particular setting.
- No one will ever confirm your appropriateness with outstanding reactions of admiration or recognition. More often than not, people respond to each other with simple neutral goodwill, interest or sympathy. Be able to notice this in reality instead of fantasising about how inappropriate you are for people.

Fragments from the forthcoming book “Fragile People: A Secret Door to the World of Narcissists”

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